Of human consciousness

We all have days when we look around or checking ourselves; wondering  what the hell is going on. Sometimes, when I catch my own reflection, I ponder my own identity – What am I made of? What fragments led to this? Who am I supposed to be? Or am I really the one I should be?

‘Who I am’ is always changing. What I radiate is so interconnected with my surroundings. And who I am/am not is also a product of my interracting with others. Where I am…. who I am with….. and what I do.

As a child I was the natural-born pack leader. Outgoing, unfiltered, loud, and blissfully ignorant of limits. I loved to dress up and would gather my friends to be the actor and actresses of my plays. The plots always had a princess, a witch, some happy helpers and a heroine with supernatural powers. I was the product of my own fantasy world and hadn’t yet become to be so  painfully aware of the world around me. I’m not saying everything centered around me, but I was always bordered by my own limitless view of things. I didn’t really care about my looks, my clothes or my whereabouts. If I had a book, I was happy. If I could paint, I was happy. And if I could play with others, cuddle with animals or be on stage – I was in my element. A child’s narrative may be limited in its understanding of the world, but limitless in ways of interacting with said world. If you don’t yet understand, it doesn’t matter, because you have an innate ability to make sense of it your own way.

When I was a teenager, however, I grew painfully conscious of myself and the world surrounding me. Did I change, or did my world change? It was a mixture of both. My mind expanded, new habits of thoughts formed and where I before felt nothing — could hold me back — tricking me into believing I couldn’t do anything.  I suddently felt trapped and imprisoned by my own identity – of who I was and who I was to become. I felt hopeless, sad, scared and powerless. Nothing would ever be the same again.

The human brain is indeed powerful. Ideas and thoughts are what shape us. We set goals, we analayze and overthink. Animals act on instincts, whereas humans act on preconceived notions.  If thoughts are holding us back, then thoughts should also be what can move us forward.

I often reflect on how my life has been thus far. I choose to see it as a success story. I’ve reached so many of my goals. But sometimes I think… now what? I wanted to do this and that, and I did it. I’m on the top of my mountain. I should feel happier. But I still feel like something’s lacking. It’s a mystery I have yet to solve. There are so many more things to be accomplished. We make our own paths in the moment. We should think anything is possible, and I believe it is. I don’t want to settle, I want to conquer. What used to seem so out of hand is now a memory of what I’ve done. So I have to challenge myself, I can never stop.

When on top of the hill, don’t look back. Keep going. Even if you think there are no more mountains to climb, you’ll find another curve just around the bend.

And here’s the most amazing thing… Even if you’re on the top of the biggest mountain and there is not another one in sight, look at the horizon. The tiny spots are worlds that have yet to be discovered. And thus the journey never ends.


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