Category Archives: grief

Slipping through my fingers… then suddenly gone

Do you know the feeling?

Ah yes. You should know by now that I’m such a geek. I’m a sucker for drama, lyrics, music, literature…words. They haunt me and make me suffer. I become the meaning. It’s scary yet so wonderful.

I currently love this amazing song. Enjoy, get lost and resurface.



Music Monday – Radiohead – Creep

Because yes. Music is feeling art, expressionism at its finest, at worst – a wailing reminder that you do something wrong. But alas when all is right in the world, yet something is still amiss… we turn to music. Because within notes and lyrics lie the truth.


2012 – A recap

Boy was 2012 a challenging year, with visa issues for Jamie  while I was working and studying full-time at the university. I didn’t feel like I was at a happy place in my life most of the time, it was a constant struggle. There is so much more to the story that I don’t wish to share here, it would just be too private. But all in all I had some wonderful moments as well, thanks to my dear friends and family who kept me sane through it all.

There are times I miss living in Bergen, Norway, but the timing was just off. Either that, or the universe gets a kick out of playing cruel jokes on me! Hats off to my parents, who have been there for me through everything. Traveling here, traveling there, working here, working there, moving 12 times during the past decade, back and forth like a restless caterpillar. I think sometimes I don’t allow myself to feel completely happy in case I jinx it. It’s a terrible feeling, and I have battled with anxiety for years now. Sometimes I think that if I am just content, something bad will come along and ruin it.

So I have decided not to allow myself to think like that anymore;  the universe has a plan for us all, and all we can do is ride along and do our best. That is why I will try my hardest not to  dwell on possible dangers around each corner.  I hereby choose to look forward to what 2013 will bring me.

Here is what made me happy in 2012:

* Getting a job at TV 2 in  Bergen so I could continue my career in broadcast journalism while living in one of the most beautiful cities in Norway. Added bonus: most of my friends lived there and it was happy times when we all got together. I cherished every moment.

* Finally making enough money to justify a college degree. Just saying.

* Living closer to my parents and my extended family. Getting to see my cousin’s newborn and be a part of her baptism. ❤

* Endless bus rides Bergen – Sykkylven.

* Being able to eat the foods I missed while living in the US.

* Attend lots and lots of family dinners, coffee parties or just hanging out with loved ones.

* Snuggling with my cats again.

* The view from our house in Sykkylven. It’s the most beautiful sight ever. It’s literally breathtaking.

* Seeing Jamie help my dad with work outside the house.

* Being able to attend my mom’s choir’s concerts.

* Free healthcare!

* Making new friends and finding out once and for all who were my true friends through it all.

* The smell in the springtime after a really heavy rainfall.

* Norwegian fauna.

* I discovered Californication and Entourage. Geez. What took me to long?

* I traveled back to the US again when the time was right. It was one of those things that made totally sense in the moment. Even though Jamie’s visa was approved two days later. Remember what I said about how ironic my life is sometimes? Obviously this is not meant to be easy.

* I got to be in Erik & Snehata’s wedding, and snuggle with Rudy again!

* I got to see new parts of America that I’d never seen before.

* I’m probably bragging a little, but I’m becoming quite the cook 🙂

* I fostered a dog from the local humane society.

* I gave more money to charity and homeless people.

Jamie and I are still together, we will celebrate our 6th anniversary on February 14th. We still don’t know where we will be at the end of this year. But we will make it fabulous.


At a loss for words

Today was another dark chapter in the history of humanity. My mind can barely comprehend the horrific massacre that took the lives of innocent children at Sandy Hook Elementary in Connecticut today. Why? What kind of world are we living in? What kind of people do this? How can we heal? Too many questions, and not a single answer. My heart breaks for the parents who lost their little ones today. For anyone who lost a loved one in this beyond horrible tragedy.

When are we going to wake up? What is it going to take? When are gun-advocates going to stop hiding behind the 2nd amendment, and when can we admit that stricter gun laws are not taboo? When can we grasp the fact that the answer does not involve giving out more guns as a means for better protection? When can we provide proper care to those suffering from mental illnesses, and when can we wake up to a new day in a culture that does not breathe violence? And when will it be possible to detect the red flags so that tragedies like this won’t happen again? Will there ever be hope? Can we ever feel safe?

My heart still bleeds

Several things have been on my mind today. Such as…. why did I go out last night, I am behind on my reading, it’s getting colder out, I wish I had a rug…. and so forth. But the biggest event of the day is of course the 10th anniversary of the 9/11 terror attacks. I remember exactly where I was when I first heard the news. I used to work at a frozen pizza factory (hell on earth) and I wore headphones with the radio on. It seemed like everybody stopped what they were doing as the information hit them. We were confused, scared. Would this be happening in Norway, too? Was it the beginning of WW3? After my shift ended, I drove back to my parents to watch the news. I remember crying and being scared. I had just come back from a trip to America the previous month, and hoped that everybody I knew there was safe. I vowed to never to go back to the US after that becase I was too scared. Well, all of you who know me knows how that story goes… I am not going to dwell much on it. Have the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq done anything for worldwide security? I doubt it. It hardly works to reinforce Western style democracies in countries ruled by religious law with limited or no rights for women. Yes, we need to separate Taliban from the non-extremist groups. Time will show how things will work out. But the world, I think, is not a safer place. Remember, the USA is not the only target for terrorists, and saying that their soldiers are stationed overseas to ensure America’s freedom is misguided, at least.

OK, so I wasn’t going to elaborate much on this. It would take me all night, and I already have an assignment due tomorrow morning that I have postponed all weekend. Consider this post a stream of consciousness…. I’m typing the words as thoughts come into my mind. I just opened the door to get some fresh air, and it hit me like a rock. The misty air of fall….. crisp, clean, quiet…. I miss those days in Eugene where I could walk around the block to get a spiced pumpkin latte with Sasha in tow. And most of all I miss Sasha. Tears are streaming down my face as I write this, but god, seems like just yesterday she was my constant companion. I hope you are enjoying your run at the Rainbow Bridge, my angel. I will see you again someday, outside time or space.

My darling Sasha


One nation united

This past week has been surreal. I’ve been in a constant haze of shock and sadness. I can honestly say there are no more tears in my eyes. It’s been hard to go to work and cover the aftermath. The footage, the victims, the gunman, the comments… Very emotional.
I strongly recommend you watch this video.
I’m proud that all Norwegians have come together after the attacks. Imams and priests walk hand in hand – it shows that no matter one’s cultural or religious backgrounds, in this country we are all Norwegians. The accused terrorist, Anders Behring Breivik, wants to declare war against what he calls “the Islamization of Europe”. American news outlets were quick to analyse the situation as a right vs. left issue in their own context of republicans vs. democrats, Americans vs. terrorists. I must say in Norway, patriotism is very much separated from religion – hardly any political parties and politicians wave the Bible in order to sway voters. Breivik is a coldblooded psycopath, and though he declares himseld as a Christian, this is not a Christian vs. Muslim debate. And it’s not correct to use the term “Norway’s 9/11”. This was a domestic terror attack carried out by one single man. He shot and killed his own people. There is no justification of that. I don’t care that the rest of the world want to implement their of fear of muslims into this context – we as a Norwegian people are standing together stronger after this. The Norwegian muslims held their own memorial at the Central Jamaat Ahle Sunnat mosque on Friday, were our PM Jens Stoltenberg and Oslo bishop Ole Christian Kvarme also attended.
I want to be clear that this blogpost is about honoring a nation coming together for peace, and not about bashing those who do not understand. I’ve seen discussions on US newssites that are in favor of more people carrying guns, the death penalty and close our borders. I disagree on all accounts. If everybody were to carry guns, at what point can you justify one person to draw its weapon? Seeing a “suspicious” person? Anxiety attack? If one person starts shooting, it would turn into an inferno. I would personally NOT feel safe if I knew the person next to me on the bus had a gun.
Instead, let’s take a moment and remember those who were taken away from us way too soon. Here’s to a democratic nation with justice and liberty for all. Not just the white and the rich.

My heart has a hole

Listen to this song…. it’s awesome. And it describes how I feel about the loss of my dear Sasha.